Saturday, May 8, 2010

Deep Inside My Head

Head against the shower wall, soaking in a hot, steamy shower, I’m filled with a flood of thoughts. If only I could stay here, soaking, basking in the quietness of this shower. I know that if I can just stay here, my thoughts would put themselves in order. I love the solitude here. Nobody bothers me. No noise…. Nothing!

But, I’m not one who can live alone. I must have people. I need to be useful and relied upon. So, this shower will only last until the water turns cold.

Why won’t my muse speak to me once again? Maybe she is, but I can’t hear with all these thoughts jumbled in my head. Perhaps I need a “thought muse;” a muse to order my thoughts so I can hear my “creative muse.” Hmm, now that’s interesting.

The other day, I was hit harder than ever by my muse. Again, in the shower, I was contemplating a new banner for a blog. The contemplation for the image was very short… for it just popped in my head. But, the thought process of how I would create it took more thought. To create the banner, I would need just the right images… I started getting frustrated because I’m not like my best friend who can just throw images together and get something beautiful. I lack time for one thing. I can see the banner in my head… Wait! No… it’s more than that… the image moves… no, I’m moving through my image! In this image, I’m hearing voices in my head. That day, I wrote everything I saw in that image. Everywhere my mind went inside that image, I wrote. Wow! What a rush!

As much as I love to create things, I’m not very good at it. I lack skill. I’ve always loved words, so talking isn’t a problem… Words are wonderful. I also love to draw… or used to anyway. So, two things I’ve really been working on are writing and Photoshopping. Of course, my hobby/career is web design so you’d think I’d have a strength some place in there, right?

I have at least one very harsh critic on everything I make or do… myself. If I’m not happy with a piece, I cut myself to shreds… and then whatever the creation, it gets chucked because I wasn’t happy. What a conundrum!

There was a part of me, who whispered loud enough, “In order to get good at something, you have to finish something.” It made sense to me and that is how I got here.

Maybe this is ALL I’ll ever be? Maybe all I’m good for is contemplation of what I COULD be someday. Maybe only nonsensical bullshit is all I’m cut out for. Such a waste of energy, space and air, don’t you think?

I have so many artists in my family; you’d think I could be good at something.

Standing here in the shower, I have come to the realization that I lack the ability to pretend. I have a vivid imagination, but not much into pretending. I think its due to my fear of acting out what’s in my imagination. Performing was always difficult for me as a child. The only part I was comfortable with was, narrating. I had a part once in a “Tom Sawyer” play. I was chosen to play the part Becky Thatcher, but was too afraid of the kissing part, so I was a narrator. *shakes head*

In elementary school, I was the artist for the school paper. My biggest obstacle there was the fact that I couldn’t draw horses or dogs. So, I ousted myself there as well. Yes, I had many who loved what I published, but because I couldn’t do certain things, I quashed everything else. I have to laugh, looking back I remember, I was really good at drawing cars and trucks. I was also very good at drawing 3D text. If only I had some sort of encouragement back then. *sigh*

Standing here in the shower, I began to realize that I crippled myself. I have blocked myself from creativity. I’ve lived my life in fear of what others would think, that I’ve completely crippled my creative self. I also realized that I’ve surrounded myself with creative people. I wonder why I’ve done that? That seems really odd to me. I feel so small next to them, why would I do that to myself. I certainly don’t like to feel small. I am very competitive. So, why do it.

Some of those ‘friends’ have been very encouraging. Maybe they see something that I no longer do. Maybe they’re just yanking my chain… hmm… I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter much, I guess.

However, I have a point to make to my boys… I have taught them, and have always believed that you can do whatever you put your mind to. For instance, if given creative writing assignment to tell “what it was it like to watch Jesus feed the multitude first hand”; or “what it‘s like to be sought after by a town of scared ignorant people trying to kill whatever monster you might be,” then you should be able to put your mind to it and create something. Therefore, I have to practice what I preach. Right?

With this thought in my mind, I’m brought back to my original thought of, why won’t my muse speak to me once again? Priorities and time are the first answers to this dilemma. I need to make time in my day to sit and write.

My shower is now complete… I must get work done. I think today I will only work a couple hours and then sit down to ‘create.’ This needs to be an every day practice.


1 comment:

Aim4theNeck said...

You just described myself to me, I'm always thinking I could do something with my life, I start taking steps to do whatever it is I think I can do, to find myself feeling like I will fail so I give up before I can become that failure I fear. Only to find giving up has made me that failure. How ironic?!
You've made me realise it's about time I make those steps and keep on moving, thank you! X