Saturday, April 24, 2010

Napkin Scrawl #4 - Blink

Today is just a blur as I sit her contemplating sleep. Yesterday’s panic created such a numb, blurry day today. Strange really. I’m not used to that. Usually there is someone there to pull me from my shell and coerce me back to life, but not today. Perhaps that’s best…it’s been quiet. Children play their video games in the background, yet I don’t hear. I sit here hoping, waiting for someone to reach through my screen to wake me, but no one does.

I remember once today my husband stopped by to greet me. He placed his hand on my shoulder and brushed his lips on mine before he continued his journey down the stairs. From my corner of the loft, I can hear that he too has buried himself in his game of tanks. I might as well pull down this shroud of loneliness and isolation around me.

I blink and half the day disappears. No one wakes me from my daydream. No one checks my pulse or breathing… I’m overlooked. I must look normal. But I’m not… I’m all inside my head today. Perhaps if I really sleep, I can escape myself, and rest. No, I’m not tired, just numb.

An hour passes and I begin to wonder where my day has gone. I feel no less numb after napping, just aggravated with myself for doing it. I blink again and lose more of my day. Like sand sifting through my fingers are the seconds and minutes of my day. Twitter tweets as fast as my clock ticks it’s seconds, but no one speaks to me.

Through the numbness I reach out to those, I call my friends. Soon I feel the loneliness and isolation lift as people begin to wonder where I’ve been. I feel myself digging out from under the veil that hides me. Nevertheless, as quickly as the flurry of attention comes, it fleets out again. I blink…

In my attempts to do something with my day, I pretend as if I have a family to care for and I pull together a meal. First one, then another, comes to feed themselves… all of which return from whence they came with food in hand. No thank yous, no kisses, no “You’re the best mommy in the whole wide world…” More like cows to their feed troughs…

I blink again. It is 2 a.m. I know I should go to bed and snuggle next to my husband, but I don’t. I’ve been searching for models to tear apart and recreate, but I’ve lost my way with material that I would be difficult explain if caught on my screen. I’m on autopilot.

Just as I wake from my stare, twitter picks up once again… “Good night” they all say. “Don’t work too long or too hard,” “Make sure you rest!” All is silent once again.

The time is now 3 a.m. I should be sleeping but all I can do is write. What is this new thing I do? Why is my mind filled with words? Is there nothing more to be done? This is so unlike me to spill my thoughts on paper. It is as if there is another inside my head. Perhaps one who feels that others may wish to know the deep secrets within my mind?

What a bore.

It has been raining today. The clouds as black as night have burst and watered the desert I live in. The smell is rich and clean, the sound helps my contemplation. However, it is quiet now. There is no more rain, for now.

Sleep, real sleep invades my thoughts now. Perhaps it is time to rest. I wish I could hear rainfall on the roof as I lie in bed and sleep. It would add to the melancholy that I feel.

I blink…

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