Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Napkin Scrawl #26 -- Unwanted

Every day I look to you for reassurances that I know I will never get. A passionate kiss, a stroke, a word, anything, yet you give me nothing.

I have let years pass by, and yet you still do not understand me. You still do not realize how much I need you. You still do not see that I need to know you love me, daily. Maybe you just do not care.

A small kiss in the morning and a forced kiss at night is all you offer. When I say, “I love you, respond” and you respond with, “I love you too” as if for answer… This, to me, is duty, not love.

To know you do not wish to look at me when I stand in front of you, tears me apart deeper than you can imagine. To know you would rather read your book or work your puzzle instead of talking to me, or caress me, or playfully teasing me kills me deep inside.

The teasing you do offer, cuts like a knife, digs deep into my soul and all you say is, “I’m just teasing.”

I cannot tell you how I feel. I cannot tell you of my need. Every time I do, you think I am teasing. You think I am “being silly.” It does not matter that I tell you I have something serious to discuss.

Why does it feel like you no longer want my heart? Just man-up and say you do not love me? Cut me deep. Cut me loose. Let me cry. Let me grow a hard shell around my heart so I can never give it to anyone ever again. At least I would know.

Of course, where we are today, is entirely my fault. I forgot it is always my fault. Apparently, I am too needy for you. I can no longer touch your heartstrings. Perhaps you realized too late that I am not what you really wanted or I do not offer what you need. Too bad, you won’t just talk to me. I am sorry that I cannot read your mind. I really thought I could. I really thought I could be everything you ever wanted. Apparently, it is true I am a failure.

1 comment:

Hokulani said...

This is so sad...